Oh, how I missed you so...

When someone you love dies, and you're not expecting it, you don't lose them all at once; you lose them in pieces over a long time - the empty house that welcomes you back home and their scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in their closet and drawers... Gradually, you accumulate the parts of them that are gone... Just when the day comes, when there's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feelings that they're gone forever, there comes another day, and another specifically missing part...

I used to moan... Why do I have to say goodbye ,why does it have to be her? Why does it have to be now? What am I supposed to learn? That death hurts? I know it does ... I know that it's never going to be the same. I can learn that lesson without losing her, God, please don't take her away. There is not too much in this world that means anything to me right now, but without her I am going to stop caring ... My heart is going to break when hers stops ... and I am not going to be able to go on ... I am not going to be able to smile once she is gone..

It's never going to get easier... There is never going to be a 'Death for Dummies' book... There is never going to be an escape plan to pain because no matter how much I try no matter how much I cry my life is never going to go back to the way it used to be... I know that I can't stop myself from hoping that you will one day walk in the front door and smile as if nothing happened. I know that there will be days that it will be hard to get out of bed and look people in the eye and lie when they ask how I am... I know that its going to hurt for the rest of my life and that I will always cry, but I also know that you're in heaven now and your away from all of the pain and everything is better for you now... I just wish I could say the same for me...

But now, when something comes along in my life that's too good to be true, I look inside my heart and know it's because of you... When a smile shows up for no reason at all... Or when a tear of joy just happens to fall, I smile, for I know you are near... Your sweet calming words I still hear... I wish I could hold you in my arms, but I no longer can, you are now an angel, following God's plan... And although it's always extremely sad to lose someone you love, I find comfort in knowing you watch over me….from heaven above. I love you granny... Just somehow wished I said that more often while you were still around...