The Wound That Never Got Healed

I still think of you day in and day out... I still wake up at night with a cold sweat on my skin from a dream about you... I still get lost in my thoughts of you.. I still look around when someone calls your name... I still feel the tears in my eyes when mail comes for you... I still turn down all the lights at night and cry for you.. Only for you..

If only I could hear your voice one more time... Guiding me through... My shining light.. Maybe that would stop my tears... Maybe if I could just see your face.. My heart would stop its grieving.. Maybe if I could just let you know I love you..one more time... That would keep my mind at ease.. Maybe if.. I had told you one more time how much you mean to me.. How much I look up to you.. How scared I am going to be without you... You would haven't had left... maybe if...

So you're gone and I know you had me promise I wouldn't cry, and I'm sorry... I know you're never coming back and I may never see you again, and well, it hurts... It hurts beyond imagination... And I thought I could handle it, but I can't. I want to reach out and touch you -- kiss you -- but you're not there... I would have given anything to tell you, 'I love you' one last time... But it wouldn't have changed anything... I despise fate.

Oh, how I missed you so...

When someone you love dies, and you're not expecting it, you don't lose them all at once; you lose them in pieces over a long time - the empty house that welcomes you back home and their scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in their closet and drawers... Gradually, you accumulate the parts of them that are gone... Just when the day comes, when there's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feelings that they're gone forever, there comes another day, and another specifically missing part...

I used to moan... Why do I have to say goodbye ,why does it have to be her? Why does it have to be now? What am I supposed to learn? That death hurts? I know it does ... I know that it's never going to be the same. I can learn that lesson without losing her, God, please don't take her away. There is not too much in this world that means anything to me right now, but without her I am going to stop caring ... My heart is going to break when hers stops ... and I am not going to be able to go on ... I am not going to be able to smile once she is gone..

It's never going to get easier... There is never going to be a 'Death for Dummies' book... There is never going to be an escape plan to pain because no matter how much I try no matter how much I cry my life is never going to go back to the way it used to be... I know that I can't stop myself from hoping that you will one day walk in the front door and smile as if nothing happened. I know that there will be days that it will be hard to get out of bed and look people in the eye and lie when they ask how I am... I know that its going to hurt for the rest of my life and that I will always cry, but I also know that you're in heaven now and your away from all of the pain and everything is better for you now... I just wish I could say the same for me...

But now, when something comes along in my life that's too good to be true, I look inside my heart and know it's because of you... When a smile shows up for no reason at all... Or when a tear of joy just happens to fall, I smile, for I know you are near... Your sweet calming words I still hear... I wish I could hold you in my arms, but I no longer can, you are now an angel, following God's plan... And although it's always extremely sad to lose someone you love, I find comfort in knowing you watch over me….from heaven above. I love you granny... Just somehow wished I said that more often while you were still around...

Death??

Death is not the opposite of life, it is a part of life... A part we've not yet explored and thus do not understand and it is only natural to fear what we do not understand... But with the right attitude we can make life beautiful... With this same attitude, can death not be the same?